


The Life of a Star and How it Learned to Shine

by alixcat



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Character Analysis, Gen, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:13:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29171667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alixcat/pseuds/alixcat
Summary: This is the chance to wipe the slate clean, to put aside the transactional expectations and move on.Switching from acquaintances that pay each other back to friends that do things because it’s nice and it’s kind.A bit of a delve into Essek and everything that has built up to now.SPOILERS UP TO C2 EP123Presuming the Mighty Nein are going to the Vurmas Outpost in order to get help, Essek is going to be in a very interesting spot. From threats to wards to acquaintances to friends to risks to now-unknown, his very being as he is now is tied to the Mighty Nein and what they have done to/for him. And Luxon above, it’s been a lot.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	The Life of a Star and How it Learned to Shine

Starting off with the fateful first meeting, Essek saw this group of adventurers produce one of the two Beacons he had risked everything to trade away. They were obviously capable enough to have evaded the parties that were searching for it. Which made them a threat to him. He had the power and the knowledge to manipulate what they did and did not know about Kryn society, the government structure, all of it. He was in charge of them, of making sure they didn’t do something they shouldn’t. That “something” just also happened to include his own goals of keeping his treason secret.

Then there’s the slow and ever-arduous process of him becoming endeared. While there is no easy point to pin down, we know that there was eventually a threshold crossed where he was willing to break down not only his own walls to be close with them but to give away government-protected magic. Though, to be fair, trading Dynasty-protected information for potential information or bartering power wasn’t a new concept to him at the time he first taught Caleb dunamancy. 

The “friends” bit is interesting. While the Nein first refer to him as a friend in 77 (Caleb saying “We are friends now.”), he refers to them as friends two episodes prior after teleporting to Mythburrow (“All right, friends. I’m not staying long. This is ridiculous, have fun.”) It’s interesting that this statement was right before he teleported away. Was he simply making an offhand comment and using a common term of casual platonic affection? Or was he taking this as a moment to put his walls down, just for a moment, and let them see that he cares for them? 

After this, his fondness slowly grows. There are moments of tension (such as the double teleport), but overall it is pretty solid growth in regards to the friendship between him and the Nein. Eventually, we get to 91, where he comes over for dinner, hangs out with them, tells them about his life and his ideals. For the first time since they met him, he takes off his mantle. It’s nearly a metaphor for him finally letting himself be  _ seen _ by them; a moment of vulnerability shared around a hot tub - just like Molly would have wanted. It’s all but an initiation, showing that they are comfortable enough around him as well to have them all be relaxed and unarmored together. 

Towards the end of 91 and into 92, there is work to be done on the transmogrification spell. After all the hurdles that they have faced, Essek, Caleb, and Nott solve this problem  _ together _ . He works with them, they struggle together, it’s a challenge and it’s invigorating. Was that what he was hoping for? A peer that he could work with on something that forced him to think critically? Was he just desperate for an experience he hadn’t had in some time? For a powerful spell that he would have a stake in creating and could have for himself? Or did he do it because he wanted to help his friends overcome an obstacle that they had been struggling with?  _ He _ reached out and asked if he could have a copy of the spell. It was the first time he ever initiated one on one contact. He didn’t say “I would like a copy since I was involved.” He put himself in a position to be rejected, instead  _ asking _ if he could have his own copy. Caleb could have said no, but he had that faith to put himself as his peer and request it, rather than act as a superior and demand it. It’s something simple, but it’s a shift from the confidence of “I’d like to see you try” in 57.

Then, 94. An honest moment where he’s shown once again how the Nein value him as a  _ friend _ . Jester’s gift was unnecessary – he told them that he could manage the sun, it wouldn’t kill him, it was just inconvenient. And instead of just accepting that, Jester used magical paints that she has a limited supply of to give him a parasol. Just for that moment. A pure show of care and compassion that had no payoff for her other than making him less miserable for the next, what, ten to fifteen minutes? Then they skedaddled off into the forest and he returned home, with a gift and a “thank you, friend” to tide him over until their next meeting.

And what might be that next interaction with them? The party in Nicodranas. 97 is a  _ drastic _ turning point in the Nein’s relationship with Essek, and rightfully so. They discover, from an outside view, that he is the one responsible for trading away the beacons. They’re upset, and hurt, and betrayed – all rightfully so. They don’t have anything they can  _ do _ about it yet, so instead, they try to distract and go about having fun. But then they can’t avoid it anymore, because Lord Thane is at the party and is directly avoiding them. And the Nein never know when to not go after something that is trying to not be gotten. 

Looking at it from Essek’s point of view, however, this is a  _ terrifying _ moment. His friends, the people he cares about most in this world, are at the same party he is when he  _ knows _ he was doing a poor job of hiding his emotions just days prior. He knows their tendency for chaos, how they figure things out that no one would be able to if they followed common sense. And now they’re here, trying to socialize with him and be their usual charming selves. Did he suspect that they knew? That they had some sort of hint? Or did he assume that this was just what they did with every uncomfortable noble they talked to? Then the paralysis happened, and that was probably another clue in favor of “they already know.” But then. Then came the manacles. And that’s when he knew everything had hit the fan. And he was forced to resign himself to whatever mercy they would choose to bestow upon him, their friend turned traitor.

The talk on the boat is likely the most vulnerable Essek has ever been. No one knows about this betrayal, no one knows about how much he truly cares about the Nein, no one knows that his betrayal has been slowly tearing at him as he came to care for them more and more. But now, here it is, all out in the open, being told to the Heroes of the Dynasty that undid everything he had risked his life – and the stability of Wildemount – on. 

Yet it doesn’t end with exposure. It doesn’t end with his treason being uncovered to the Bright Queen. It ends with a kiss on his forehead and a blatant confirmation that he is  _ one of them _ . It’s acceptance in the face of his wrongdoing, it’s love despite the betrayal. It’s something he had no reason to expect, can find no rationale behind why he is being given it, but he has it. 

The downside to all of this is not that the Nein now have power over him, because if he’s honest with himself, they already did. He is worried about what they will do with this information, but that concern is only briefly brought up. He has likely already accepted that fate and is trying to bring himself to hope that they won’t. Whatever happens now is out of his hands – all he can do is rely on their kindness. The other problem is that they are now at  _ risk _ . Essek works alone to mitigate the potential fallout of his actions. If something, it only affects him. In 91, Beau commented on messing with magic that is too powerful to tamper with. He replied “and that is why you work alone” – he is a lone wolf  _ intentionally _ . And now, here are seven more people that could get in his way or cause problems. But it doesn’t bother him as much as he would expect. Instead, it’s now seven people that could get caught in the crossfire of this doom he has signed himself up for, and he doesn’t know if he can protect them.  _ That _ is the problem. 

His issue is not that they know of his actions, it is that his actions could hurt them. That his actions will come back to haunt them and he won’t be able to protect them from the decisions he made three years ago. Three years before he knew what it was like to care so deeply for others. To have to accommodate their well-being into each and every one of your plans. To have a group of chaotic idiots trying to do the right thing with no one to guide them on the path of least destruction. If things go poorly for them, he might not be able to save them, and that’s what scares him most about it all.

He talks to them a few more times after that confrontation. Short conversations on the decks of ships as they watch the proceedings of the peace talks. It’s nothing much, but he sticks around. Spends spells to see them, just for a bit. He misses them and their company, even if it is now tainted with the knowledge of his past. They said they still love him, that he’s one of the Nein, but it’s hard to think that when he can feel the judgment in their glances and their caged tone of voice. But it’s still better than nothing.

Then he gets nothing. For 34 days, he is left without a word from the people his life rests in the hands of. He knows nothing of their well-being, and for some reason – shame? self-hatred? fear? – he doesn’t reach out to them. At some point, he ends up in Eiselcross, overseeing an outpost; left to his own devices isolated from the people that so much of his new self is based around. Was there resignation? Did he give up on the hope of seeing the people he cared about most for at least a few months, if not more? He merely knew they were going to Rumblecusp – did he worry that they were dead? 

Then, out of the blue (hah), he receives a message in his head with the familiar cadence of one Jester Lavorre. He responds immediately, excitement in his voice, and he knows now that they are alive. Not only alive – they’re in Eiselcross. His friends, those that he cares for most, are nearby. Things are dangerous and important they say, but that is to be expected by now. They need his help, but he still has the outpost to look after. He accepts that he has his responsibilities, but offers what aid he can, hoping for them to grace his presence once again. 

Instead, he got a new Sending. Still from Jester, but no usual cheer or bubbly stumbling over words. Did it worry him? Remind him of when he got news of the released Laughing Hand and kidnapped Yasha? Did he panic and think the end of the message was going to be news of death? The thing is,  _ he still can’t leave _ . Whether it is against his will or better judgment, or even a sense of responsibility, he still can’t leave to find them. He is the waypoint they must find, not support they can call in. 

Does it tear him apart to hear that call for aid, knowing that he won’t be able to provide the way they obviously need? Does he debate fleeing, responsibilities and repercussions be damned, to go help his friends? Does he fear that they have met a fate he cannot protect them from? So many unknowns, so little information, and he’s left to flounder about in the void of uncertainty.

Sometime soon, he’ll get a letter, delivered by a guide in a wheelchair that is grateful for a warm place to stay and sane people to talk to. He’ll read the letter, carefully crafted with Jester’s handwriting, telling him everything and what he needs to know. Will he frantically check back over every sentence, making sure not to miss a single letter? Craving both answers to what his friends have been doing, but also the missed intimacy of sharing information and getting more than a few words at a time? 

Then, when they arrive? With all that he has missed, with all his fears and worries and expectations, he’ll see them stumble into the Outpost, beaten and bruised and barely holding on to life anymore. They have never been this poorly off, right? They’re the Mighty Nein, they’ve overcome the most extreme circumstances and come out the other side cockier and more self-assured than ever. But here they stand, defeated and on the brink of collapse, and oh so desperately in need of his help.

It’s interesting to note that the Mighty Nein have had a very transactional relationship with Essek – owing favors for this, redeeming favors for that. Even if it slowly became more habitual and loving rather than serious, it was an undertone that was quickly established and maintained across their time together. All the teleports, questions asked, giving Essek the dunamis potion – all of it was an exchange. Kindness for kindness’ sake was a specialty of the Nein, not Essek. You could argue them not turning him in for his treason is the ultimate act that wipes the board clean, but that doesn’t eliminate that now-ingrained dynamic of owed favors.

Now, once again, the Nein are going to need his help, to put themselves yet another favor in Essek’s debt.  _ This _ is the chance to wipe the slate clean, to put aside the transactional expectations and move on. Switching from acquaintances that pay each other back to friends that do things because it’s  _ nice _ and it’s  _ kind _ . For Essek, it may very well be the first time he’s been in this kind of relationship in decades. It would prove that he cares for them as they are, not for what they can do for him in return.

So, what now?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Cers for helping beta this!


End file.
